How to spot red flags early: Lessons from a 5-month relationship.

It’s not how long you’ve been with someone; it’s about how clearly you are willing to see them. 

Have you been in a relationship that felt strange? One that had you on guard? A relationship that felt so wrong and you couldn’t quite put a finger on what it was? Well, I can relate with you.  

My dream is to create a safe community for women’s voice to be heard. There’s one caveat, I will not be politically correct. 

Relationships can be complicated, so I chose to take a break from dating to focus on myself. I wanted to better understand my needs and what I won’t compromise on.

During my 3 years hiatus, I took time to learn about human nature. I have always been interested in psychology. The small bits of information I’ve gathered over the years have come together. There’s still more to learn, and I will be honest about my experience.

I hope you find something here to help you make good decisions.

So here are lessons I learnt in a 5-month relationship: 

Watch and observe. 

After more than a years’ worth of chase from a potential love interest, I decided to give the man a chance. I met him randomly at a train station. Later, he helped me find an apartment. This was a few months after I relocated to Japan. At first, his advances threw me off, but I decided to give it a try. We got to know each other over dates. Soon, I was meeting his friends and he would take care of some of my needs.

I’m rarely one to be deceived by first impressions or appearances especially when it comes to men. So I was not going into this situation blindly. I knew I would be accountable for anything I decided to do. I also knew I would own any actions I chose to do.

From the start, I noticed behaviors that would be deal breakers. I don’t expect too much from people or myself. I learned that we are driven by our selfish interests, which is why it’s easier to negotiate by appealing to those interests.

I believe we all have biases and different viewpoints about ourselves and life. Therefore, I don’t expect to be perfectly aligned with someone else’s values or interests.

I stopped thinking about what a man should be and chose to observe the man I had. I allowed him to make his own choices and to speak and act freely, just as anyone would with a supportive partner.

I needed to see him express himself fully without holding back. Then, I would get enough information to know whether this was worthy to further pursue. Gladly, I found out what I needed to know about him. 

You can learn to detach from distractions and expectations that keep your focus inward. To understand your surroundings better, it’s important to focus outward. This helps you read the room and grasp situations more deeply. While it’s challenging, it’s achievable. Even the best of us are influenced by emotions. We can all improve at seeing beyond our feelings and avoiding clouded judgment.

When you are about to act irrationally, take a moment to breathe, get fresh air, or walk away from the situation. Return when you can think clearly and calmly.

Listen carefully. 

One of my deal breakers was women-bashing, overly prideful, overly deceitful, and absolutely no concern for morals. This is a lethal combination of traits that I picked on just by listening carefully and catching inconsistencies.

Did you notice how I used the word ‘overly’? It’s because having pride in oneself is important but too much of it can be bad. Being too dishonest isn’t good either. Lying is common, but if someone lies when it’s not needed, it can cause problems for everyone around them.

I caught on all these traits around the 2^nd month mark. So I thought through it and made a decision that is best for myself. 

We can all improve our listening skills. Often, we listen only to hear points we can dispute or just to wait for our turn to speak. This means we aren’t fully engaged, which makes conversations less beneficial for everyone.

Being a good listener is a skill you can learn.

A simple way to improve your listening skills is to listen and repeat back what someone says to make sure you understood.

This makes conversations more enjoyable because people feel heard and understood. This can lead to better relationships. However, it’s easy to misunderstand others’ ideas or misrepresent their arguments, and to force our own ideas onto them.

Another good way to be a great listener is to approach every conversation with the mindset that you can learn from anyone. I’ve learned a lot from the people I meet, even young children. Kids teach me to remain curious and amazed by life.

One thing I learned from this man was his ability to look at the bigger picture when solving problems. He focused entirely on resolving issues at hand. By observing him, I sought to learn practical ways to apply this in my life. I also noticed his selfishness and how it helped him stay focused on his goals. Even negative traits can teach us lessons. In this case, it’s important to understand how to be selfish about your goals, but with balance.

Be humble and let them think you’re a fool. 

Now, being humble works very well with people of integrity. But you can use humility strategically when you are dealing with less morally inclined people. Such people see it as a weakness.

Another way of saying this is, act dumb.

Act like a fool and let them think you’re actually foolish. This will disarm them even more. They will feel confident to show more of what they truly are. 

Being extra feminine also helps because feminine women are usually underestimated. I am generally quite girly. So I love dresses, pink, and ultra-feminine things. I let my partner open bottles and pull or lift heavy things. Sometimes I let him teach me some techie things that I genuinely didn’t know. This too reinforced the idea that I’m just a delicate little miss.

In Suits TV series. Harvey faces off an obnoxious lawyer named Tanner, who will do anything to win in a lawsuit. Harvey, being clever and skilled, learns about Tanner’s ways and understands his philosophy;

Any man who breaks the rules cannot imagine anyone else who cannot do the same.

He then uses this piece of knowledge to win a case against Tanner.

The key is to let them think you don’t notice their actions. If they expect you to be aware and you act clueless instead, they can underestimate your abilities. This gives you the chance to either reveal their true nature or improve your own situation.

Be radically honest with yourself. 

I value integrity especially in relationships. I knew what I signed up for was not what I wanted. So I mentally checked out of the relationship.  

It can be difficult to always see realities of life logically. Most times it’s better to bask in ignorance. Ignorance is bliss anyway. I considered my values and wellness above all and I figured out that the best move was to walk away. I also believe people can only change if they want it for themselves. As much as I can influence change, I don’t bother with the decisions other people make for themselves. 

So I accepted the hard truth, trusting that in the end, it will work out for my benefit.

You can learn to recognize the reality of your relationship. Truth is unavoidable; it looms over you like a cloud and can dampen your spirits. It breaks your illusions, but ultimately, it gives you a chance to make better choices for yourself.

If you are not honest with yourself, others will notice and exploit your illusions. Ultimately, you must face the truth. To avoid the pain of self-deception that allows manipulation, accept the truth. It will hurt now, but the benefits will come later.

You can handle any situation by focusing on the facts first. Being too practical can have downsides. Life is full of nuances, but starting from commonly accepted facts or truths is usually the best approach.

You too can spot red flags quickly by learning to detach from your emotions or from outcomes.

The best way to approach this is to be mentally present. When your mind is focused on the present, you can notice many inconsistencies and potential problems. Since everyone makes mistakes, it’s important to find healthy ways to handle conflicts or misunderstandings. However, if your values differ greatly, conflict resolution can be difficult.

I’m reminded of a quote;

You’re not morally obligated to someone else’s pathology. 

Jordan Peterson

This means that you are not responsible for fixing others’ negative behaviors or beliefs. This is especially important for women, as society places a high value on those who can maintain relationships and homes.

There are good men out there, but if you find one who isn’t, prioritize yourself.

Take care of yourself out there!